There is a fear of not having a place in the world – a place and a context. Who am I when I am not “helping” someone else? Is there such a place? A place where I can be without performing, without being a therapist, mother, daughter…etc.

These thoughts came to me this morning after a dream last night. I dreamed that I came to work (in the dream I was at a former workplace that I recognize) and apparently I had decided to quit there and had resigned. Even though I have several weeks left until I am supposed to quit, they have already cleaned out everything that used to be in my workspace and the boss only said; “you don’t have to come back anymore, it’s best if you just leave”.

I have similar dreams like this one from time to time; where I can’t find my way home, where I am lost. When I want to call for help I don’t remember how to use my cell phone…

Nowadays I have a strong inner compass that I trust leading me where I need to go. And that doesn’t mean it’s the same as leading me where I want to go, it’s the path I need to take to continue growing and understanding myself.

Right now I am sitting with the rather uncomfortable feeling of not being sure of my place. It feels wide open and vulnerable to write about it with the intention of also sharing it in a new blog post…and I allow both sadness and fear to wash through me while I lovingly also ”hold myself”.

In this moment I am not trying to find solutions, explanations or encouragement, but I notice that judgmental thoughts (about everything I have and should be grateful for) are eager to come to take me away from the uncomfortable feeling of inadequacy.

And suddenly there’s a shift. The sad and fearful feelings that have come in waves all morning have calmed down and I feel calm and at peace. Accepting all the feelings and experiencing them – letting them flow through until they ebbed out transformed them into something else.

I now have a sense of gratitude flowing in and I smile inwardly, embracing the wise intelligence within me that just spoke to me through the waves of emotion. Grateful for my trust that once again led me where I needed to go.

And how about the questions I woke up with? “Where do I belong and who am I  – when I’m not helping someone else?”

For the moment, I can no longer feel the intensity or the emotional charge of the questions – which moments ago completely took over. I don’t even feel I need any answers.  Instead, I feel calm, silently joyful a and in deep gratitude for trusting life, knowing that I have just taken another small step in understanding myself.

I am – it is enough to know right now ❤️