Look for the devil in yourself…

” Look for the devil in yourself; the one that know their devil also know their god”

Recently I had two very strong and sort of bizarre dreams one day after the other…
In the first one I was standing on the shore of a lake, looking at a tall white figure stretched out floating in the middle of the lake. I decided to check it out and flew (!) there, circling above it to have a closer look. It had the shape a human but taller and wider with no certain expression in its face, and the body looked as if it was made of off-white marble. .

Suddenly it lifts from the water and is now appearing close above me, and when I turn around to look at it, it looks totally different; it’s solid black and has wings and feathers. Its face looks like the scariest mask you can imagine with big teeth and red eyes…I remember thinking “you know what to do here; you need to face it”. I remember not feeling scared, more curious and sort of excited about my own calm reaction. It did however feel a bit “too close for comfort”, so I just blew small “puffs” of air out through my mouth which was enough for the creature to stay at a distance…

After a while it shifted shape and took the shape of a beige creature looking like a mix between a pig and a dog. Now I also tried to yell at it but couldn’t make any sounds, so I kept blowing out air and it stayed at the same distance. Here I woke up (and my husband told me that I was unsettlingly whining in my sleep just before waking up..)

The night after I dreamt that I killed our puppy. I put him on a big frying pan and watched him slowly cook. I even started cutting pieces from him with a knife and fork to eat. I woke up in distress and a huge wave of shame came over me…and I had to wait quite a while before I even dared telling my husband about the bizarre dream. I felt so guilty and full of shame! 

I think it’s time to share what recently has shifted in my life and most possibly triggered these dreams. After a lifetime of never wanting to commit to a pet of any kind, me and my husband decided to get a dog and a few weeks back we went to pick up Winston, a Bernedoodle puppy only 8 weeks old when we got him. None of us have never really had a dog, so all this is very new to us.

Having a puppy is like having an infant (but without the help of the hormones that makes us survive too little sleep), potty training, bonding, reinforcing bad behavior and setting boundaries is suddenly a fulltime job. There are moments of so much joy and love and there are moments when I just cry out of exhaustion, lack of sleep, feeling totally trapped and longing to run away….and fearing that my biggest fear will come true; that I regret getting a dog!

I think the dreams are connected and I think they want to show me a few things about myself;
The white maple-figure on the lake shows solidity and lightness, which are sides of me that I nowadays most of the time find easy and comfortable to access, and also I think, are visible for people around me.

The dark creature it turned into could be my dark sides or my shadows that are far less explored or accepted by me.
The fact that I wasn’t scared facing this dark-winged “angel”, and that I knew how to keep it at a distance (by blowing on it!), might mean that I’m now willing to take a closer look at these dark sides.

When I look at myself and the choices I’ve made in my life, I can see how important my freedom always has been. Later in life I’ve come to question if it was always freedom, or if I just wasn’t safe enough at the time to inquire what else it might be that triggered me to leave.

Recent years I’ve been able to safely practice stopping and investigate this urge to escape with the support of many wise souls, teachers and mostly I think, from my solid and loving husband. Because many times the urge to run away was not about freedom. It was fear of being hurt, rejected, or abandoned.

But to “kill the puppy”?!! What am I afraid of losing this time? I love my life. I love living where we are, how we are improving our house and our garden. I love my work and I’m looking forward to receiving more clients face-to-face in my private practice after many months of working online. My heart is full of love for the loved ones in my life, my family and friends. I love my daily routines where I’m able to start my day with yoga, meditation and a long walk. These routines have helped me ground and nurture myself which I need to feel in balance.

With the arrival of the puppy and his first weeks with us I lost the routines and my balance, and suddenly I’m afraid of losing everything I’ve worked for, appreciates, and love so much. And of course I question myself why on earth did I put myself in this situation?

Writing this I’m still in the middle of it all, trying to adapt to my new lifestyle with a dog. I’m frustrated at times not understanding his needs and I get sad and feel guilty when I lose patience. And in between there are moments when I’m filled with so much love for him. I know he’s just a puppy also adapting to our world, who will grow and become part of our family and come with us on adventures. For now it does help when I remind myself that, when my level of frustration and tension gets high…

I also need to remind myself of trusting life, and to keep using everything that is happening in my life to grow as a person, I call it a spiritual practice. Because everything IS a spiritual practice! And how do I know that? Because this is the experience I’m having in this moment.

Looking forward to share with you the insights that surely will keep appearing! And in this present moment I’m grateful for my dark sides surfacing, allowing me to take a closer look at the inner dynamics that makes me experience this threat to my lifestyle…

Ending with a poem by the Irish poet John O’Donohue;

I give thanks for arriving
Safely in a new dawn,
For the gift of eyes
To see the world,
The gift of mind
To feel at home
In my life.

The waves of possibility
Breaking on the shore of dawn,
The harvest of the past
That awaits my hunger,
And all the furtherings
This new day will bring.

With Gratitude,


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